Testing my Faith

Building faith is a trial I didn’t expect. I’ve been called for the past year or so to “have faith.” It’s been spelled out for me so clearly in divination, meditation, energy work, dreams . . . and is certainly not my strong suit. That may sound surprising coming from someone with such a devout practice and whose life is built around spirituality. But faith is not the same as spirituality.

Ishvara Pranidhana in yoga means “surrender to a higher power,” or: have FAITH. And as I’ve written before, it is my least favorite tenant of spirituality. It feels too uncertain. I’m all about communing with Higher Power – with Spirit, ancestors, gods and goddesses, and/or whatever else we want to call the Source energy and its various iterations. I practice divination daily. Divination means “communicating with the divine.”

Two years ago, I was tasked with trusting my heart, body, and intuition to lead me. I made the commitment to focus on those senses and follow them. And it has been a beautiful journey, in many ways. Transformation abounds. My life looks radically different than it did two years ago. So trust was not easy; but, it was a journey I embarked upon willingly – and, in almost constant contact with the Divine, as it were.

Then, about a year ago, things shifted again. I was asked to have courage and faith. And I thought, “Great! I’m ahead of the game. These are my best assets!”

Turns out, I had a lot of growing left to do.

Shadows a-fucking-bound in this journey. Building courage means facing fears, means feeling afraid and moving through it. So what does the Divine give us to build our courage? Opportunities to develop courage. AKA – shit to be afraid of.

I had an ego death, faced my biggest fears (the idea that I was “becoming my mother,” utter heartbreak, desperate loneliness, and a thousand other things big and small that I don’t care to list), and had to truly develop COURAGE to face myself. Courage to remain clear-headed, strong, and centered.

Then it was time to emphasize faith . . . and, as much as I’d like to say that means I’ve been given all sorts of “unbelievable” face-to-face moments with the Divine – that’s not how any of this works. Wouldn’t it be cool if building faith included, like, sitting down with the gods and discussing human affairs? How easy to believe in the Divine when it comes knocking on the door!

But that’s not what’s happening at ALL. It used to happen to me almost all the time. I have had hundreds of visions, prophetic dreams, conversations with Guides, Angels, Gods, other planetary and dimensional Beings . . . like, a lot. Which, I suppose, is how I built the foundation of faith and spirituality I needed to . .  . evolve? Into the next level of “testing” or “realization” or whatever-the-fuck this is.

Because, now, my faith is being tested in silence.

I rely heavily on my practices. I have a clear head – I am not drinking alcohol, using marijuana or other . . . helpful herbs. I am getting plenty of sleep, I don’t watch TV or the news, I meditate and practice yoga for at least an hour a day, often more. I chant, I use crystals, I read cards and all the things I’ve learned and fallen in love with.

But I am met with deafening silence.

Unless, of course, I’m engaging in purely benevolent energy work. As in – I’m able to send reiki, even across great distances, even to people I hardly know, and get EERILY ACCURATE feedback. It’s palpable. I can still prophecy for other people, still read cards and minds and interpret dreams and feel/affect energetic fields. I can still inspire people and help them, even talk to THEIR guides, angels, patron divinities . . .

But none of this works on myself or for myself, anymore. I mean, maybe it does. I stopped reading cards for myself because they were so overwhelmingly in-sync and on-message about all my dreams coming true, a time of celebration being upon me, my destiny being realized, my heart being healed, everything I’ve been hoping for and working on coming to fruition beyond my wildest dreams – which IS NOT HAPPENING.

And I’m not complaining. Like, I get it. We’re all in this together. It’s a fucking pandemic. It’s the ascension. Lockdowns abound. People are dying, going crazy, etc. I’m not special in this regard.

But I AM frustrated. So I turn to silence, return to my practice, chant and meditate, do restorative yoga or high energy yoga, go outside for hours (even in the rain), stare at the moon and stars, sleep with a sphere of obsidian clutched in my hand, PRAY, and beg for clarity – for communication – for something to shift for ME.

And the only thing I hear or receive is “have faith. Trust. The Divine has this all in-hand.”

So I’m beginning to realize that building faith means being sorely tested to believe even when . . . that which one is supposed to believe is somewhat hidden or denied. Having faith means believing in something I cannot see or hear or touch – and if the Divine was in fact hanging out with me giving me all the answers and comfort I desire, it wouldn’t be any kind of exercise to believe in it, would it?

Which is kind of bullshit, to be honest.

I’m frustrated. I’m hurting. I feel abandoned and heartbroken in a different way.

So I played with the idea of “giving up the faith.” LOL. Because the moment I had that thought, I realized it was: a) a total bluff, b) impossible, and c) grossly undesirable. My entire life is a testament of faith. It always has been. I am – we all are – but a spark of the divine encased in a physical expression of the divine seeking to return to the source of the divine and understanding each day that in fact there is no separation from the divine at all, except in our perception.

What a mind-loop.

Perhaps it is myself letting myself down that is so frustrating.

Or perhaps I am indeed building faith, becoming unshakable, in this silence. Because I’ve been through this type of thing before – many times – and there IS a marked difference between open lines of “communication” and the “testing field.” I can feel it in my bones, and I am certain that I am being tested at this time.

Am I strong enough to make it back out the other side? Honestly, this time, I don’t know. But I also don’t know what else to do or how else to be.

I could attempt to “turn it off.” Right? I could turn to substances, allow depression and lethargy to take over, stop practicing, submit to fear and anger, watch the news and the TV and “believe” in “facts” or whatever narrative instead. But that nauseates me. Also, it breaks my heart to consider. It just feels wrong.

And I did promise to trust my body, heart, and intuition to guide me. That’s a lesson I’ve very nearly mastered – that trusting.

Is that faith?


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