Satya means truthfulness. It’s one of the NiYamas, or moral observances in yoga. It was also the focus of an at-home practice I streamed on Facebook Live this morning.
I chose satya because I thought, in a whimsical way, it would be fitting for a practice which would inevitably include interruptions from the toddler and the animals. The truth of home practice is that it offers us a different perspective: we move and breathe in space we have created to be safe and comforting … and that space is sometimes chaotic and messy in spite of ourselves!
Today’s video experiment was a deeper taste of truth than I anticipated. It brought me closer to vulnerability than I want to admit … I have had to be conscious and compassionate to myself as I walked the edge of shame.
Vulnerability IS the experience of utter truthfulness. I suppose I knew moving forward with videos would bring me into that space, especially because I intend to be authentic and real as I ride the learning curve of digital expression.
So, today, I made a video in my house. The sound quality was awful, which I didn’t realize until afterward! My form was all over the place as I modeled postures while worrying about what the toddler was doing. And – this is the hardest part to acknowledge – I saw my body in a very unflattering light.
Even though my son is two years old, and I teach (and practice) yoga and wellness, my stomach is still soft and separated. This makes me feel a lot of things. It’s a constant reminder that the birth I dreamed of having wasn’t possible (I had a c-section after 18+ hours of natural labor), and that I’ve been avoiding the necessary core work to strengthen the damage.
My unflattering choice of yoga clothes combined with less-than-optimal form and strange lighting really highlighted these flaws when I watched and critiqued the video.
But – breathe. It’s the way home.
So, I breathed through the shame and watched with compassion and humor. Jasper, the co-starring toddler, giggled and exclaimed as he watched with me. How fun! We’re on TV! I saw myself smiling and raw, sharing truth and guiding a class I couldn’t see but could only hope was following.
Truth showed up for me today. The truth is that I am raw and flawed, that I would love to clean up my video skills and belly, and that I have a community of yogis that see my light in all of it.
Choosing to see truth and vulnerability instead of sinking into shame was incredibly empowering. It IS empowering.
The more honest and real I get with myself, the more grounded and open I become. I am able to share my journey with all of you because I am less and less afraid of shame. I welcome vulnerability instead, and when it hurts I turn to what I know: my breath.
I can’t wait to make another video! Really! I’ve learned so much already. I wonder what I will come to accept about myself and my practice – and what I’ll learn about my community – with the next one.
We are our own worst critics!! I find with age…I have been more accepting of myself. So happy to have my health and my family. You are a beautiful young lady!!!
Thank you, Laura! We certainly are our own worst critics. I’m growing into more and more acceptance with each deeper layer.