Love Spells & Self-Love

She says to flow, to let go

man, oh, man do I already know.

Hope, i’ve always said 

is acknowledgment of what’s already dead

a lie inside our head —

“I don’t have it yet” is how it’s read.

… love yourself instead

is what She says.

How much more flow do you want from me?

Dancing and moving and writing poetry, 

I scream at the moon, spin fire by the sea, 

breathe and bleed and sweat femininity —

my entire life is a testament to authenticity

… so where the fuck is he?

•

“Love Spell”

bb

2023

🌙 

I did this, chose this myself, chose actually, myself. Chose to go in search of a happily ever after where passion meets stability, where connection never fades and lasting love abides inside our hearts … and, since then, I have been drowning in the dark. 

Loving myself comes easily, and these four years of self rediscovery have only amplified my own divinity. I romance myself, buy myself what I want, raise my child exactly how I choose, wear things that show off the tattoos and body – temple – I so love, write poetry, lead my own social good dream business, practice yoga and meditate every single day. 

I’ve learned that I can hike 10 mountains at a time. Ride a bike 300 miles in a month. Say no to everything and everyone that doesn’t suit me. Light my life on fire and make my own dreams come true. 

But I can’t be my own partner. I can’t hold me at night, come home to me and have dinner as a family, build a partnered future, experience the transcendent bliss of shared kundalini life force orgasmically releasing in perfect dichotomy balance … and every single thing “they” say I must do to bring this into my life I have devoutly done and embodied (and enjoyed!) for four fucking years. 

Not that just anyone will do. Admittedly, I’ve said no a lot more than I’ve said “yes, let’s try it.” But the no makes room for the yes.

I’m extraordinary, I’m a LOT, I’m brimming with muchness and magic. Too powerful, too strong, too independent is what the “coaches” would say. “Drop your masculine shield,” they’d say. 

HA HA HA. I would reply, because fuck you for not being powerful enough to meet me where I’m at. My arms and heart are tired … this shield is heavy. I learned the hard way that nobody is coming to save me.

Where is he, the One who will become the very shield that I no longer carry?

I can love me better than any man who ever tried … but I can’t love me as well as the one who hasn’t yet arrived.