Like Something Else

Deep loneliness presents
like a symptom
of something else:
like depression or apathy,
or something like
laziness
or negativity

or, maybe she doesn’t have social skills,
or, something must be wrong with her,
that she’s always alone

or “stop feeling sorry for yourself
and just
go outside,
join a gym,
read a book,
go to yoga classes,
why not try meditation
or hiking or
get on a dating app
or spend time with kids
or volunteer for a cause you care about” —

like somehow the answer
to the sickness
is something you can fix
on your own

But the sickness IS
the being alone

It is hiking every mountain
by yourself
and doing all the yoga-gyms-meditations-book readings possible,
but still being alone in it.

Loneliness is
all of this
and reaching out to friends
… and not getting replies.

Loneliness is
yes she tried the dating apps
and it was terrifying —
not in the ‘everyone is boring’ way,
but more like the
‘that guy is a rapist
or married
or maybe something IS wrong with HIM’
and now she is scared to sleep at night
way —

And all the times they tell her
she needs to just THIS or THAT
or maybe it’s their friend Nick
except Nick has a girlfriend
or a baby
or a drinking problem

— all the times they say
“go outside
or read a book
or try harder
or why don’t you just

ENJOY YOURSELF MORE”

So she goes out
on dates
by herself,
buys herself the nice clothes and shoes,
and wears them while sipping expensive coffee
all alone
(with her book
because we know
she shouldn’t be grasping
for human connection
on social media
all day — that would be pathetic,
wouldn’t it),

she buys herself nice dinners
and takes her own photo
on the tops of mountains
or by the lake with the sun setting in the background,
(she even has a little plastic thing
to set the phone on
so it gets a better angle
with the selfie-timer) —

And then they criticize her
for too many selfies
(she’s self obsessed,
she’s vain)
and for dancing by herself
(she provocative,
she’s asking for attention),
they judge the outfits
and the shoes
(what are you so dressed up for?)
all while they fire emoji
her stories
from the gym —

and they think she’s vain,
she’s an independent woman,
“wouldn’t THAT be nice,
to have so much free time;
of course she has a hot body
when all she does all day is work out,
must be nice
to get to spend so much time
on self-care” —

And when she says
“I’m drowning,
I’m lonely,
I am depressed and I’m scared,”
They just say

“You need to learn to love yourself”

And that is not the same thing
as loving her.

It is not the same.

And all the self-love
in the universe
cannot fill the heartspace
that she has carved out
to love the world

… and to be loved in return.