Brittany Boles
live a magical life
On Finding Trust
Someone recently asked me, “How did you get over your distrust of men?”
It’s a long story that begins with building a wall around my heart – an impermeable tower of protection – as a result of some very big disappointments (like childhood sexual abuse) and some smaller ones along the way.
Realizing the wall’s existence was the turning point for me. It happened when I was at my lowest point: addicted, suicidal, and having committed myself to the psych ward.
It was there I met my first energy healer, whose advice would stick with me forever (but that’s a different tale), and included an interpretation of a dream that meant I was waiting for a man to save me.
I also met a nurse, an immigrant from Nigeria, who approached me as I wallowed in self-pity, drowning in tears, rocking myself, near a window.
He said, “When you were a baby, your mother wrapped you in cloths and fed you, rocked you, kept you safe.” (I resisted the urge to scoff at this image of a mother who was so different than the shell of a woman I had known.)
He said, “That was then. But now you are grown. It is up to you to carry on.”
He paused, and then said, “I do not know why you are here, and it does not matter. What matters is that from this moment forward, it is up to you to carry on.”
With that, my circumstances were blaringly obviously and quite suddenly my own.
And so I turned inward.
I saw a scared, hungry, lonely child-me huddled within a tower of stone, shrouded in darkness.
“Get up,” I softly urged her. And she did.
Examination of the stones revealed their mysteries: each one held a memory, a moment in time that was so terrible it could never be repeated.
Here was the moment my mother drove up that driveway, to the house she swore we’d never return, where He lived …
And I felt the rush of dread, the sinking sick feeling – and then, almost just like that, it was over.
Where the stone had been, now a feeble bit of sunshine filtered through! It wasn’t much – certainly not a big enough opening to escape – but it was enough.
For the next several years, I removed the stones of the wall around my heart one by one. Some were smaller and more easily destroyed; others took a lot of work. Sometimes I had to leave a whole section in place and work on another part until I built up enough strength to try again.
I wish I could remember the day the last stone fell. But I don’t – because as more light flooded in, I became stronger and more confident.
All that work – years spent examining myself, tearing down the layers of protection I had put in place, recognizing that they had served their purpose but that now I wanted to live in the light – was a strength and stamina -building exercise in SELF-trust.
And it wasn’t until I told this story a few short days ago, as an impromptu answer to that simple question, that I realized I had the answer all along.
“How did you get over your distrust of men …” he asked, “because I just can’t see how I’ll ever trust a woman again.”
Trust isn’t something we place outside of ourselves. Trust isn’t something that can be given, broken, taken away, or controlled by anyone … except for ourselves.
Trust lives deep within the center of our soul. Trust is what we earn when we do the work to uncover our innermost, childlike Self. When we look at what we’ve surrounded ourselves with, and slowly gain the confidence to break free of our self-imposed constraints, finally venturing out of the shadows and into the light, we will know trust.
And that is an unbreakable trust.
I never got “over my distrust of men.”
I learned to trust myself, and then, I simply carried on.
Diving into Darkness
I came up through the mud, baptized in fire and blood. I’ve been beaten and bruised, homeless and hungry, addicted and depraved. I’ve been abandoned, neglected, blamed, and drained.
When I broke free of imposed circumstances, I proceeded to recreate a hell for myself – and it was a dark, hard escape. Like the lotus, I was born in the mud and fought my way through the muck. And like dear, lovely Lotus, I have blossomed in the light.
That’s not to say the dark doesn’t come for me from time to time. It’s not to say my existence is all rainbows and glittery sunshine. But, as a recent card so eloquently put it, I am Diving for the Light. Diving – diving into darkness and pain – and grabbing that sliver of fire, keeping it burning, bringing it to the surface.
Rather than ignoring the darkness of my roots, pretending it doesn’t exist – turning away from it in fear of “accidental attraction” (because, like attracts like is the mantra, isn’t it?) – I am allowing myself to look it full on. Staring with wonder into its depths and feeling it press upon the edges of my psyche.
I’ve gotten stronger, less dense, freer. I can dive and resurface much more easily now. The practice – my Practice – has given me wings. Buoyancy. A certain ease of movement through the muck.
And the fear is almost gone. I can almost stare demons in the face and smile. My biggest fear has always been getting stuck inside my head, getting lost in the dark. But that’s changing, now. Now, I see that my light is bigger than the dark – in fact, it always has been.
Bring me your darkness, and I will give you light. Show me pain, and I will show you wings.
One Girl, Seven Loves
I have been blessed by many loves. I’ve heard that we get Three Great Loves; I have had Seven. Not seven lovers (that number is my special secret) – no, seven True, Real, Capital-L, Loves.
“Yoga for Closure,” my workshop on letting go of past relationships, is quickly approaching. In preparing for it, as in preparing for any mentoring, inspirational, or leadership role, I turn inward and dig deep. What in my experience and at the level of my soul do I have to offer?
I have had the opportunity to let go of many relationships – romantic and otherwise. Having been blessed with many Loves, I have some wisdom and experience to offer in terms of moving on and letting go. I’ve said goodbye six times, and fallen in love seven.
If I were to write a relationship resume, it might look something like this.
“Arizona”
My first love. The summer my mom died, when I was a just-blooming girl, he taught me . . . almost everything. I longed for him, long after ending it. We lived a thousand miles apart; he was a beautiful soul living in a hard world. High school drop-out. Musician. Tattooed, insightful, probing.
My mistake? Taking away his choice in the matter – ending it to “spare us the pain.”
What I learned: Age doesn’t determine capacity.
“Muse”
My second first love; my first live-in love. Huge brown eyes, the ability to see into my soul, and the potential to create a new world. A heart-stopping love; a heart-breaking love, born of mutually-recognized pain, baptized in tortured mistakes. He inspired my words and haunted my dreams for a very, very long time.
“Tornadic, | And with the violence of Pompeii | And Katrina’s sneaking, sudden horror | The two fate-tossed, star-crossed, completely lost | Forever victimized, had-each-other-so-hypnotized | Lovers’ dance of destruction | Was difficult to watch.”
My mistakes (too many to count)? Cheating on him. On-again & off-again –ing for far too long. Drowning my pain in substances. Falling in love with his potential; ignoring our reality.
What I learned: Love alone is not enough to make it work. Also, step back and look at people for who they are, rather than who I think they could be.
“Medicine”
The one with whom I cheated. We were each other’s medicine, and self-medicated as lustily as we loved. Completely broken, shattered people, we were – and our relationship was equally so. Addicted – to each other, to substances, to pain. When I sought to be healthy and whole, he couldn’t.
My mistakes? Codependency. Self-destructive behavior. Enabling him. Blaming him. Alienating myself from my support system.
What I learned: A relationship is only as healthy, happy, and whole as its members. I can’t fix anyone else; I can only change myself.
“Musician”
We were matches: a perfect fit – we looked great together; and, we lit each other’s fire – like throwing a match into a pile of fuel-soaked wood. We had a lot of fun, and there were times I thought he was everything I wanted; I know he thought I was his One. But we were explosive, and troubled, and in the end I realized I couldn’t trust what we’d built or where we’d go. I became someone else with him, and it took me a long time to find my way back.
My mistake? Ignoring my intuition; letting it go on for too long, even after I knew in my heart it was over.
What I learned: Just because he is a great guy doesn’t mean he is great for me. Staying with the wrong person makes the pain far worse when it inevitably ends.
“Twin Flame”
A strange, inexplicable feeling of recognition and magnetism – like we knew each other in a past life and were meant to be together. Except – he was married. Unable to ignore pull of gravity, we orbited as closely and deeply as we dared. Then, with gratitude and the ability to see beyond ourselves, beyond this one life, we closed the door.
My mistake? This one is complicated. I don’t regret anything, even though it was in a major moral black area. One should not romantically engage with a monogamously married person; however, one must also act upon one’s passion when it comes to call.
What I learned: Past lives are real, and relationships often overlap between them. Be grateful for the love that I’ve been fortunate enough to experience, and brave enough to let it go when it’s time to say goodbye.
Expect passion; settle for nothing less than extraordinary love.
“Gypsy”
On an island far, far away, he stepped off of a boat and into my life. We shared a dreamlike time together, and it filled and healed my heart. Pure joy, bliss, magic – suddenly, I could see myself drifting through the world living each moment in all of its delicious, precious, stunning simplicity. The words bursting from my heart stayed behind tightly-closed lips; and, afraid of holding his wings too tightly, I let him fly away with open hands. And then I mourned.
My mistake? Not telling him how I felt – not asking him to stay. Never telling him how sorely I missed him.
What I learned: Broken hearts heal. Seek to be joyful, and do not hold too tightly to love. Like a boomerang, love that is meant to be will always come back around.
“Soulmate”
My Perfect (for me) Person! A man whose soul meets mine wherever we are – in each moment. Unharnessed power, intelligence, moral fortitude. Loyalty, strength, humor, and creativity – he inspires me to be better, as I do for him. I’ve finally grown roots, found my forever-family, and settled into myself, anchored to this man. From marriage to raising a family, shared ventures and crazy travels, and a commitment to stumbling through the dark – holding hands when we can’t see – we choose. Again and again, we choose each other.
My mistakes: Placing my happiness in his hands, expecting him to do things the way I do them, and worrying about him.
What I learned: Lasting love is a choice
. . . inspired by mutual affinity, passion, and a shared desire to delight in the journey of another human’s being. Marriage is hard work, and honest communication is the glue that holds it together.
There we have it. Seven Loves. I’ve learned and done so much more than I could put into a single post – even one of eleven-hundred words (thanks for sticking with it!).
To any of the Seven who have read this, may you see how much you mean to me. Current tense. Because once you’re in my heart, you are there to stay. Thank you for giving me a full life, for teaching me about myself, and for sharing your heartspace with me. May you find your Perfect (for you) Person, too, if you haven’t already, and may your future be filled with as much joy as you gave to me!
“A Yummy Surprise” – Trigger Warning
A new toddler book arrived in the mail yesterday. And, unlike this post, it did not come with a trigger warning.
One day, I want to be the kind of person who is free of any attachment to past trauma. It would be lovely, in fact, to one day abandon all memories of my childhood in favor of a richly abundant present. One day, I will know with certainty that I am living authentically, from a place of joy. Yesterday was not that day.
A Yummy Surprise sits innocently enough, still in the books-of-the-month-club packaging, on my kitchen shelf. I can’t look at it without jumping back twenty-five years in my mind, to the day my dad found me in the apartment laundry room surrounded by older boys from the neighborhood.
To be fair, he was actually my mom’s boyfriend at the time, as my dad had died years prior. So maybe that’s why he was able to judge me so quickly, rather than jumping to protect my innocence.
A bunch of the boys from the building – a ghetto complex in East San Diego – had lured me into the laundry room to play a game. They sat me on top of a dryer and instructed me to close my eyes and open my mouth.
I was hoping for a popsicle.
Instead, I got a dick.
Just as my eyes were opening wide with surprise, for a dick is nothing like a popsicle, a very angry man stormed into the room.
“What the fuck is going on in here?!” he shouted as he lunged for me.
For one brief moment, relief washed over my five-year-old self as I thought I had been saved from this cruel and gross game. A very brief moment.
Yanking me off the dryer by my arm, he pulled me up the concrete stairs to our apartment, where my mother was sitting on the couch.
“Do you know what I just caught your fucking daughter doing?” he growled at her.
Needless to say, much screaming and punishment followed. I had been a very bad girl and had done a naughty thing; what kind of slut puts a dick in her mouth in front of a bunch of other guys?
“She gets this shit from you,” he sneered at my mom.
Twenty-five years ago, my voice was silenced. I wish I could say it was the first or the last time – for the abuse, the neglect, the blame, the violence. But the instances were frequent and hazy enough to render that declaration impossible.
Yoga teaches us to turn inward, honoring our fullest expression. Find our voice, trust our inner guidance, enjoy oneness with everything as healthy, joyful, whole beings – this is the aim of practice. Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about how in order to speak our truth, we must first learn to listen to our inner voice.
In my case, and in many others’, turning inward can be terrifying. I have uncovered a lot of dark, painful, devastating – beautiful, empowering, inspiring – bits of dialogue.
Someone said “healing is not linear; it is a spiral.” Just when I think I’ve turned a corner, releasing-old-shit-wise, A [fucking] Yummy Surprise shows up on my doorstep.
So what is the lesson for me in this experience, in reliving this sunshiny childhood memory? Perhaps it is another opportunity to acknowledge my inner truth by speaking – writing it – as it happened.
This is what happened. It was wrong and sad, and not my fault.
Introspection, like the mail, does not come with a trigger warning. Thus, one must gather much courage and curiosity in order to do the work of uncovering the innermost self.
Though slimy memories may come to the surface, they are simply opportunities to slough off some density in favor of the bright and joyful me-est Me that I can be.
Now that’s a great toddler title!
The Very Magical 8-Limbs of Yoga
Yoga is a practice that exists both on and off a mat; alone, in community, and with teacher; physically, with the body, and on every psychic, energetic, and emotional level. Yoga is vast – in history, teachings, and experiences. Just like the ancient history of magic, yoga is entwined with sages, prophets, the gods, great teachers, and students.
My lifelong fascination with magic has lead me to the discovery of the perfect vehicle to not only live an abundant, intentional life but also to share that practice with others. Upon sudden and acute understanding of the linkage between the eight limbed yogic path, the chakra system, and the many facets of human potential that I had come to blanket-identify as “magic,” I was filled with a sense of purpose that can only be described as dharma – the realization of one’s true life path.
A technicolored chakra system merges with the concept of yoga as an 8-limbed path, and indeed helps represent the defining threads that make up a rich tapestry of magic, yoga, and human potential. Here’s a brief outline of the connections between the seven chakra system, the 8-Limbs of Yoga, and magical practices as I see them.
Root Chakra – Yamas
In identifying the Self, one develops a moral compass that can be akin to that of the Yama observances. Folklore tells us that witches and wizards must have a clear, and clearly defined, conscience before safely or effectively beginning any spell. Many “beginner” exercises include observing values such as the five Yamas, and all belief systems include observances of basic moral codes. Brahmacharya in particular speaks to conserving one’s divine life force (sometimes spoken in terms of sexual energy) so that it may be directed with intention, purposefully, and without draining oneself – this is a basic rule of magic, as well. On the mat, one would call upon Brahmacharya to find a comfortable “edge” where breathing is steady and at ease while in the fullest expression of a pose, even if it means lessening the pose or exerting less physical energy.
Sacral Chakra – NiYamas
How we relate to others determines the velocity of our Sacral Chakra; the NiYamas help us put our “best Self forward.” In Deepak Chopra’s 7 Spiritual Laws of Success, he points to a certain self-awareness and bold, honest living as keys to achieving high-level abundance. Manifesting is magic, my friends! The more solidly grounded into a community (witches may call it a coven) one is, the more successful the ability to move into the higher plane. Energy sharing circles, spending time in prayer together, and combining talents with other beings are all examples of magical practices to accompany the sacral chakra and the NiYamas. On the mat, poses like cat/cow, twists, and forward bends can help clear out and balance the second chakra while the heat generated by doing so will purify the body, thusly practicing Sauca.
Solar Plexus Chakra – Asana
Finding confidence, balance, and self- assuredness happens when we become fully human – fully in our bodies, fully present, fully alive. Asana – or postures – help us expand the horizons of our physical beings while literally and mentally increasing flexibility. Power comes from within – and this golden yellow energy center generates a lot of it! Moving the body around, balancing it, and celebrating its sanctuary is a fabulous way to awaken the third chakra – AND – it is involved in a lot of practices new and old. The magical compliment to the 3rd Limb is ritual – physical, literal practices that involve the body, human actions, and earthly objects, places, and materials. Practicing physical asana yoga postures, especially on a set routine, returns power to the yogi and activates the yellow/gold energy center as well!
Heart Chakra – Pranayama
“Love is blind!” All healing comes from the heart. Arch Angel Raphael is known for his green light and ability to miraculously heal – this fifth chakra is associated with the color green and is the place of emotional healing and forgiveness. Pranayama teaches us to control our breath, focusing it entirely inward until we become aware of our energetic body – our pranic body, or aura, or field of energy. Intentional manifestation and the healing arts all happen from this kosha, or layer of the self. Magical examples of the heart chakra and pranayama include literally healing the sick and the ability to ground or otherwise energetically influence someone. Carlos Casteneda’s luminous egg theory (the idea that all human energy exists in a luminous white egg-shaped cluster of energetic threads circling out from the center of the chest – and that these threads connect us to and interact with the threads of all other matter) directly correlates to the heart chakra as accessed through Pranayama, and is one of my favorite recent explanations of medicine-man magic.
Throat Chakra – Pratyahara
Pratyahara teaches meditation: withdrawal of the physical senses in order to turn on our inward ones; it is literally the act of engaging the throat chakra! Though the throat is often associated with using the physical voice – and can be powerfully active in practices like chanting – it is firstly about becoming aware of inner truth. One must turn off worldly distractions and focus deeply and honestly within, if one wishes to connect with the energies of Spirit. Channeling experiences like meeting Spirit Guides, contacting or recognizing signs from passed loved ones, recognition of orbs, rainbows, halos, and other Light forces – all of this magic comes during a state of meditation! All magic is meditation.
Third Eye Chakra – Dharana
Immovable focus; intense alignment with intention; flow – all of these are names for the experience of Dharana, and also the place from which all divination, intuition, and Knowing originate in the body. Accessing the third eye through practice of Dharana, which is easy to do in Yoga Nidra and Restorative Yoga, is literally tapping into magical knowledge. It is opening the Self to experiences of otherworldly knowing, deeper awareness, and massively heightened intuition. Archetypical magical people, and indeed current spiritual leaders, are heralded for their wisdom and intuitive abilities – often referred to as “looking right through” people, problems, and the physical realm. Psychic abilities, dream work, divination, readings, and “Seeing” are all magical, third eye, and Dharana practices.
Crown Chakra – Dhyana
This state of being intensely, acutely, divinely aware is sometimes referred to in yoga and meditation as being “the watcher” or “the observer.” It speaks of a place of total detachment from any distractions, outcomes, emotions – simply having the experience of witnessing the experience. Perfectly so, the crown chakra is the gate of this awareness: crown chakra is the place of communion with deity, connection to Source, and a literal open mind through with major informational, healing, or transcendent downloads happen. Prophets, or the ability to prophesize, can access Dhyana and focus their crown chakras to communicate with the divine!
Samadhi – the 8th limb and the “Whole Yoga Body”
Oneness, deep connection with everything – the bliss body – is the deepest self in terms of koshas and represents something deeper and more encompassing than any one chakra; indeed, Samadhi is represented by the entire chakra system, that with which it interacts, and the source of its constant energy. Samadhi is recognition of and connection with the entirety of divine energy – and in magic, is a transcendent, astral, or god – experience. Savasana, or corpse pose, invites us to experience Samadhi and transcend our energetic bodies.
Magical Yoga
In personal practice and through becoming a teacher, I intend to weave together the ancient stories of an eight limbed path of yoga, the seven chakra system, all forms of magic, and human energy potential. It is through this Magical Yoga path that I will inherit my dharma and empower myself and others to manifest that which we desire, thus creating the world in which we want to live, peacefully, blissfully, wholly together.
Brittany Boles 